Memorial Day: Flowers for Departed Loved Ones

by | May 29, 2016 | family, holidays | 27 comments

Memorial Day weekendAt the start of the Memorial Day weekend, I bought some flowers and drove the four miles to my husband’s grave. Eugene is buried in a beautiful park-like cemetery with trees and grassy slopes and a view of a small lake. His grave is under the second fir tree on the right.

Memorial Day 2016Usually after arranging the flowers, I say a prayer. Then–like characters in movies I’ve seen–I sit on the grass and talk to him. (I’m such a cliché, aren’t I?) I tell him what’s been going on in my life and in the lives of our children and grandchildren. In these one-sided conversation I’m always reminded how much has happened since he died eighteen years ago. How many things he has missed out on.

He told me once that he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes thrown into the wind. He said he didn’t want to tie me down to a particular place. I have no idea how serious he was. But even if he was serious, I’m fine with ignoring his wishes. Since he was concerned about what would be good for me, well then, I guess it was all right for me to decide. And I preferred having a grave to visit.

The following day, my sister and I gathered up some old Mason jars, cheap vases, and a bunch of flowers and headed up to Sedro-Woolley and Bay View where our parents and several relatives are buried. She’d compiled a list of the thirteen relatives whose graves she believed we could find and scanned and printed some family photos to go along with the flowers.

Our first stop was a small cemetery in Bay View. We shouldn’t have much trouble finding the family graves in such a small country cemetery, I thought. And we did have some success.

flowers for great-great grandparents

flowers for great-great grandparents

flowers for super serious great-greats

flowers for super serious great-greats

But the grave of our famous great-great grandmother who outlived all three of her husbands was nowhere to be found. We walked back and forth along the hill for almost an hour before finally giving up.

Next stop: Sedro Woolley Union Cemetery where our parents, grandparents, and great grandparents are buried.

flowers for Mom

flowers for Mom

flowers for Dad

flowers for Dad

Most of the graves were easy to find, all except the grave of Great-Grandpa Fish, the grandpa whose parents were killed by an angry bull while they were picnicking in his field. Even though my sister and I searched for poor Grandpa Fish’s grave for well over an hour, we never found it. Maybe next year.

Eugene's great grandfather's grave

Eugene’s great grandfather’s grave on the outskirts of Xiamen

In my 2014 Memorial Day post, I wrote about my husband’s family and how in 1983 we went hunting for their graves in China. You can find it by clicking on the link.

How do you celebrate Memorial Day and Memorial Day weekend?

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27 Comments

  1. Loft Conversions

    Thanks for finally talking about >Memorial Day: Flowers for
    Departed Loved Ones | Behind the Story <Loved it!

    Reply
  2. macjam47

    A lovely post, Nicki. I’m sorry I’m so late in getting to it. Life has gotten in the way of reading and blogging.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      I know what you mean, Michelle. I think I’m slower at everything than most people, so I just do the best I can. I keep telling myself I’ll take a vacation from blogging so I can spend more time on my novel, but I don’t. It’s hard to keep up; hard to quit.

      Reply
  3. Jennifer J. Chow

    So glad you got to visit some family graves and remember. We don’t generally go for Memorial Day, but we often try to do it on a special occasion or Ching Ming. It’s tough missing important people in our lives, but we hope to keep their memories strong.

    Reply
  4. Lani

    For Memorial Day we headed up to Punchbowl Cemetary and had a similar ritual to yours for my father. Punchbowl is really lovely on Memorial Day weekend because llittle US flags on put on all of the soliders’ graves. It’s quite a sight.

    Love how you went gravesite hunting for your family. What a neat idea. Can I say that? Yes. Despite the sadness of visiting loved ones, I do like cemetaries.

    Reply
  5. mommermom

    A lovely tribute. My parents didn’t make plans for their final resting place but we remembered our dad’s desire to be placed at Arlington National Cemetery. Mom and Dad are in a niche there and I am am so at peace with this-even though they are 3,000 miles away…

    Reply
  6. suzicate

    We have a family cemetery. I’ve said I want my ashes scattered. My husband had stated perhaps our children would like a place to visit me after I pass. I’m with Nancy they can talk to me from anywhere. My MIL wants her ashes scattered but had a stone placed so that when she goes people have a place to visit. I guess we all have different opinions, but it won’t much matter after we’re gone will it?

    Reply
  7. Kate Crimmins

    One year when my mother was still alive we made an effort to put flowers on all the grandparents grave. It was a challenge since they were buried all over. Even spouses weren’t together.

    Reply
  8. Mabel Kwong

    Sounds like a peaceful way of spending your Memorial Day, Nicki. Very touching of you to remember those in your family and trying to find where they left their final mark on this world. It must have been quite a walk to look for the two graves you didn’t manage to find, and it looks like quite a big area. In Australia, we don’t have Memorial Day but we have something similar in April each year called Anzac Day, a day where we honour those who fought in the wars and those who served the country. But in my Chinese-Malaysian family, we tend to pay our respects to the departed during Ching Ming or the Tomb Sweeping festival around the same time of the year.

    Reply
  9. evelyneholingue

    Such a moving post, Nicki. I love your tradition. When I lived in France we had a similar one on La Toussaint or the day of the dead in other countries. My mother took us on a long tour of the several cemeteries where her father and later her mother and her grand-parents and great grandparents were buried. I have only known my grandmother and my great grandmother on my mom’s side, so it was a great way to hear stories as we brought them flowers.
    Here in the USA where my only family is my husband and our four children this is different.
    On Memorial Day we always fly our flag and we usually have a meal all together.

    Reply
  10. Carol Ferenc

    What a beautiful job of decorating the graves, Nicki. Those flowers are lovely. A couple of weeks ago I visited my mom’s grave at a national cemetery. She was a WWII Army nurse and my dad, who was also a WWII veteran, will be buried beside her. Most Memorial Day weekends are about picnics or other outdoor activities but I always like taking the time to pay tribute to family members we’ve lost.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Those are pretty flowers, aren’t they? Most of them are the same flowers you find in people’s gardens: irises, peonies, tulips, daisies, carnations, sweet Williams …

      Your mom was an Army nurse in the early days. She must have been a brave woman. I hope you’ll have some fun in the sun this weekend.

      Reply
      • Carol Ferenc

        Thanks, Nicki. Have a great Memorial Day!

        Reply
  11. Jill Weatherholt

    I can understand your husband’s thinking about not wanting to tie you down, but it is nice to have a special place to visit. Our family is currently making these decisions.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Even though I do visit my husband’s grave, I don’t really feel tied down by it. If for some reason I wanted to move to the other side of the country, his grave wouldn’t be a consideration. His spirit would still be with me, and the cemetery does a good job of keeping up the grounds.

      I hope cooperation, strength, and love for your family during this time of possibly difficult decisions.

      Reply
  12. CrazyChineseFamily

    Wonderful post. In Finland my grandparents and my uncle (their son) are buried at the same location. In Germany and in Finland it is common to have something like family graves.
    On my fathers side it is more complicated though. My grandfather fell in battle during WWII somewhere in Russia, my grandmother has an anonymous grave somewhere unknown and all uncles who died thus far are spread around Germany.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      The graves we visited yesterday were mostly from my mom’s side of the family. They stayed in the same general area for several generations. My paternal grandfather was an immigrant from Scotland who moved up and down the US West Coast, following jobs. The paternal great-grandparents must be buried on the Orkney Islands. My paternal grandmother, who I mentioned in “Whatever Happened to My Irish Grandma?,” is a mystery.

      Reply
      • CrazyChineseFamily

        Ah I remember that post. My maternal grandparents I can trace back for many generations without problems except that my maternal grandmothers side got a very confusing family line. They all come from Ingerland which is an area between Estonia and st. Petersburg. Back in the day it was all Finnish speaking there but during soviet time the Finnish speaking people were either killed or deported into working camps. Now that family was huge as far as I know and my grandmother told my mother often about cousins living now in Sweden and in other Finnish cities. I could trace them all and contact them but except the same family name and area in ingerland they have no clue how they are related as all people who might know it are dead.
        Then there is my paternal Grandfathers side…my father does not even know when his grandfather died as that must have happened in the beginning of WWII. All people who might know about that family line are by now dead as well and there are not even any records left as the town and church was burned down when the Soviet Union pushed towards Germany

        Reply
  13. autumnashbough

    You know, I always ask my husband what he wants me to do when he dies. “Do you want to be cremated? Buried? Have a Memorial Service?”

    Andy always says the same thing: “What do I care? I’m dead!”

    It’s not terribly helpful.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      He does have a point, though. At the other extreme, you hear about people who want to plan every last detail.

      Reply
  14. Mindy

    It’s only ‘cliché’ to people who don’t understand the connection of spirit and how powerful it is to sit at the grave of a loved one. Happy Memorial Day. Mindy

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Thank you, Mindy. Many of us don’t understand how powerful it is to sit at the grave of a loved one … until we do.

      Reply
  15. nrhatch

    I’ve never found any solace visiting graveyards. Instead, I speak with deceased relatives from anywhere I happen to be . . .

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Your view is sensible, Nancy. Spirits are not contained in a particular place. I suppose a grave site is a tangible sign of the non-physical presence.

      Reply
  16. L. Marie

    When I was a kid, we went to the cemetery to visit my aunt’s grave. Now there are more and more family members buried.

    Hope you have a great Memorial Day! My brother is having a BBQ tomorrow!

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      My mom was faithful about bringing flowers to family graves. She always had enough flowers in her own yard. My sister and I had to buy them.

      Have fun at the barbecue.

      Reply

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