Mom and me
Mother’s Day cards can be a bit over the top. Have you noticed?
Mom is wonderful, they declare in letters embellished with flowers, butterflies, and cute little birds. She’s amazing, the best mother anyone could wish for. Furthermore, she was always there, believed in me, loved me no matter what, understood me, and taught me sooo much.
A tall order. But I was lucky. I had a good mom. Before she died, I never had any trouble choosing a card for her. She was an artist, so my first priority was to find a beautiful card. After that, the words inside usually seemed to fit. Yes, she was a wonderful mom.
Mom
But when I think about myself, the whole saintly mom image begins to develop cracks. I was a pretty good mom, I think. But amazing? Perfect? Are you kidding?
Let’s just look at one of a mother’s supposed virtues: She’s “always there.”
Always? Wait, does that include being there on time?
Suddenly an image of Daughter Number One flashes through my mind. She’s sitting in Miss Feliciano’s kalachuchi tree, steam coming out of her ears because I’m late picking her up from her piano lesson. (Now, many years later, Daughter Number One still hates to waste time.)
Daughter Number One gathering kalachuchis, aka plumeria or fragipani
I wonder, does “always there” include volleyball games?
At the International School in Manila where my kids studied for eleven years, sports were not a big thing. Parents attended musicals and spelling bees and UN Day parades. But of all the sports, only the swim team had a loyal parental following.
UN Day
Then, when we moved to the United States, Daughter Number Three went all out for volleyball. And she was good. Good for her, I thought. It didn’t occur to me that I was expected to attend all the volleyball games and sit with the other enthusiastic parents. It did, however, occur to my daughter. What a disappointing mother I was!
I’ve saved my most egregious not-always-there moment for last.
Imagine this: I’m driving; my husband, Eugene, is beside me; Daughter Number Two (already an adult) is in the back seat. We’re listening to “This American Life” on NPR when I turn into a gas station.
I pull up behind another car, and Daughter Number Two jumps out to pump the gas. While we’re waiting (and enjoying the very interesting story on NPR), the driver of the other car goes inside the gas station and doesn’t come back out.
So I drive around to another pump. Whoops! Wrong side of the car.
I maneuver to back into the pump, but someone else squeezes in ahead of me.
Now every pump is occupied and I’m frustrated. “What the heck!” I say. “Let’s try the gas station down the street.” And I drive off, still totally engrossed the very interesting, very long story on NPR.
Well … I’m ashamed even to remember how much time passed before either Eugene or I noticed we’d left Daughter Number Two behind. A wonderful mom and dad? I don’t think so.
On that particular day, we weren’t even “good enough.”
According to psychologists, that’s what parents should strive to be: not amazing or perfect, but good enough.
Famed psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott coined the term “good enough mother” in 1953. After studying thousand of mothers and babies, he concluded that imperfect mothers were the best. Dr. Carla Naumburg puts it this way, “Children need their mother (or primary caretaker) to fail them in tolerable ways on a regular basis so they can learn to live in an imperfect world.”
Considering that it’s probably impossible to be a perfect mother, it’s nice to know that a “good enough mother” is the best kind of mother to be.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you good enough mothers.
Never an easy role to play, Nicki 🙂
Not if one expects to be perfect.
We are fortunate. Children are resilient and have selective memory as they grow up. Hence all the lovely cards! 🙂
Happy belated Mother’s Day.
Love your photos (as always). Unlike you, I never found a card that fit my quirky mother. And my mother was certainly flawed, but somehow that made our upbringing richer and more flavorful. Tough gig, this mothering. Despite what you might think, I’m sure you did alright 😉
What is the Stepford wives equivalent for mothers? Whatever it is, it’s a good thing we have our own quirky moms. Otherwise the world would be such a dull place.
Your gas station episode reminded me of this:
3. Have you ever lost a child you were responsible for in a public place?
Absolutely not! Those children “misplaced” themselves . . . I had NOTHING to do with it.
Some children do misplace themselves more than others. Daughters #1 and #2 were easy to keep track of when I took them shopping. Daughter #3 liked to run off with not a thought about the possibility of getting lost. Now she’s the one we let drive in an unfamiliar place. She always seems to get us to our destination–even before we had Mapquest and smart phones.
I too am far from a perfect mother and have forgotten a daughter-not once but twice! Makes for amusing stories many years later but I always cringe inside to hear the tale told again!
The most cringe-worthy stories for the people involved do tend to be the most amusing.
Happy Mother’s Day, Nicki, and to every mom reading you as well.
What a great post for this special day.
A story similar to your gas station episode happened to us as well but with friends and not for our kids but for one of them. We all felt the guilt, however.
Before cell phones, imagine how many people got left behind or lost in shopping malls or at family picnics. Worst of all, would be counting wrong and leaving a child behind on a field trip. I haven’t done that, but I’m sure it happens. Our youngest daughter fell asleep on the school bus and was still sleeping when we found her in the bus parking lot. He sisters didn’t notice that she didn’t follow them off the bus. This was on a small bus in the Philippines, so we just shrugged and brought her home. The response would have been different in the United States.
Happy Mother’s Day, Nicki! You know, I read an article a year or two ago about the modern “perfect” parent and how they have ill-prepared their child for adversity. If you have a parent who never makes mistakes, who is always on time…how can a kid learn a) to cope with plans gone awry, b) gain any self-confidence from having solved a real-life problem? I think that’s where the “free range kid” concept came from.
And, you know, take heart. I got left places all the time. When I was 5, I made my way home through the streets of DC from my first day of kindergarten. Alone. Crying for the whole mile. (My older siblings left me.) I learned that no matter where I went, I could find my way back.
Good! You developed a homing instinct. I’ll bet your siblings got the scolding they deserved.
We certainly used to live more “free range.” I suppose one of the reasons kids live such tidy lives now is that more mothers work and need to develop intricate schedules for their kids. Then the mothers who stay home have to justify their choice by providing “perfect” play dates and birthday parties.
Well, no, no scolding for the older sibs. And we left my younger sister at school the following year, but at least not on the first day. So probably a scolding was warranted.
I loved this post, Nicki. It puts so many feelings in perspective. From a mother who certainly failed her children in enough tolerable ways to make them understand they live in an imperfect world. I certainly did not set the bar so high my own daughter – a mother herself now – feels she can’t measure up and that’s got to be a good thing – right?
I guess that is a good thing. Of course, when they’re tiny, they want to feel secure that their need will be met. And I think I was pretty good at that. I enjoyed having babies and toddlers. Later, they have to start learning about the imperfect world.
Happy Mother’s Day, Nicki!
Sorry, but I am still laughing about you forgetting your daughter. It’s probably that we are imperfect which makes us in fact – perfect! 🙂
My daughter told that story to her colleagues, and they, too, laughed. I guess there’s something inherently funny about it.
Sadly, I think we all have those motherhood “fail” moments, but we have many wonderful moments we did things right! It only makes us human, and it’s important for our children to know it!
My grandmother was accomplished in many many ways, and my mom sometimes complained about that. She felt it was hard for her to live up to her mother’s example. No matter what we do–our fails, our wonderful moments–they’re all part of the environment our children grow up in.
Love your pictures. You look like your mother and she is beautiful. I love your “less than perfect parent” stories. Every family has them!
The less-than-perfect-parent stories aren’t the one’s we usually tell on Mother’s Day. But why not?
Happy Mother’s Day, Nicki. Lovely photos of your mum.
I agree with Jill Weatherholt. Seeking perfection is exhausting.
Being flexible and versatile are important factors for me.
I once had a small allotment in a ‘community garden’. It was a raised bed that nobody wanted. It was partially shaded but in a shaded spot. The soil was covered with weeds and it was so poor that water literally went through it. When the growing season arrived, the quality of the soil had improved greatly. I then packed the growing space with veg, herbs and flowering plants. One day, I invited a young English colleague to view my growing space. ‘It’s a bit wild, she pointed out.’ ‘Nature is not tidy, I quipped.’ It looked like a wild life garden. Later, blight spread quickly throughout the allotment. I only had a few casualties on my tomatoes.
Nature knows best, as your story illustrates.
We once toured a beautiful garden in Port Vila, Vanuatu. When we reached the koi pond, some people raised an eyebrow. The fish swam among a profusion of water weeds and greenish water. The owner pointed out that the koi flourished in a more natural environment. If the pond had been swimming-pool blue, the fish would have died.
Happy Mother’s Day, Nicki!
Thank you, Michelle. I hope you, too, enjoyed the day.
It was a wonderful day. Thanks.
Happy Mother’s Day, Nicki! Love your stories! I’m sure you’re more than a good enough mom. (What a sweet photo of you and your mom.
A friend of mine said he was left behind by his family at a gas station too when he was a kid. He would also say his mom is good enough. 🙂
I was pleased when I found that photo of Mom and me. Photos from that era are usually posed. This one has a little movement.
I’m glad to hear that someone else made the same mistake. I know it was just a mistake, but can you imagine how bereft our daughter felt? It’s like the perfect symbol for abandonment.
Happy Mother’s Day, Nicki. Hope it was a good day, and that your other days are good too 🙂 Very nice photos of you and your mum. I must say your mother looks a bit like Australian actress Nicole Kidman, especially in that portrait shot of her.
It is hilarious how you and your husband Eugene accidentally left Daughter 2 at the gas station. But it sounded like she took a long time to pay for the petrol… The world is certainly imperfect, and all of us are unique in our own ways so it’s hard to be “perfect” anyway 🙂
Thank you, Mabel. Yes, it was a very good day. My grandson had his First Communion the day before, so we all gathered at my daughter’s house in Maryland. It meant a cross-country trip for some of us, but it was worth it. I’d never thought of my mom as looking like Nicole Kidman, but, yes, I do see the resemblance. Thanks for pointing it out.
Here’s to being unique instead of perfect!
Happy Mother’s Day, Nicki! Those who seek perfection live an exhausted life. Good enough is fine by me too. 🙂 I loved the photos, especially the one of you and your mother by the clothes line.
Ann Lamott’s famous quote reminds writers, too, that perfection isn’t usually what we’re aiming for. Here’s her quote: “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.”