In all the stories my husband told me about his childhood in China and Taiwan and his teenage years in Japan and the Philippines, he never mentioned any aunts, uncles, or cousins. It seemed reasonable since neither of Eugene’s parents had siblings.
So when we moved to the Philippines, I was more than a little surprised to be met at the airport by a smiling, friendly group of people Eugene called “auntie” and “uncle.”
They stood around with us, talking—sometimes in Hokkien and sometimes in English—waiting for us to collect our suitcases, and finally walking us to where we would catch our ride. As soon as we’d said our goodbyes, I asked Eugene who they were.
“They’re from Amoy,” he said. “Good friends of the family.” I quizzed him again later, and he was still hazy on the details. They might be related, somehow, he said, maybe on his mother’s side.
To me, that seemed like an extremely casual attitude toward relationships. In my family we made a point of knowing exactly how we were related. Coming home from family gatherings, we would double check the names and relationships. Aunt Esther was the sister of my maternal grandfather, Mom’s aunt, my great aunt. Her daughters were my second cousins. Aunt Gertie was Grandma Rose’s aunt, my great-great aunt. It went on and on.
Now, looking back through the letters my mom saved, I see that what Eugene’s aunts, uncles, and cousins lacked in definition, they more than made up for in kindness.
The day after we arrived, Aunt Patricia took me and our oldest daughter to the supermarket and bought us our first supply of groceries, including a carton of sweet corn ice cream, Magnolia’s flavor of the month.
The following weekend Uncle Gregorio and Aunt Catherine took us to the Army Navy Club for swimming, fried chicken, potato salad, and, for the kids, American candy bars.
Uncle Luis treated us to dinner at the Elks Club.
rattan table and chairs
A few weeks later, after we’d settled on a house to rent, Uncle Gregorio, who knew all the best places to shop in Chinatown, took us shopping for furniture. In my letters home I listed all the things we bought: an air conditioner, fan, gas range, and three beds. After that, we went to a rattan factory and ordered a rattan dining table with a lazy Susan, ten chairs, a bar server, sofa, two arm chairs, a foot stool, two end tables, a coffee table, rocking chair, and two lamps.
Eugene and R with rattan furniture
The cost for the rattan: $556. Money well spent for living room and dining room furniture we used for many years.
Over the next nineteen years we continued to spend time with Eugene’s aunts, uncles, and cousins. We never did pin down how they were related or whether they were simply close family friends. I guess it doesn’t matter.
Are some of the people you call “auntie” and “uncle” actually close family friends?
Related posts: The letters my Mom Saved
Everyone Has a Maid (or Two or Three.)
In the Days of the Dressmakers
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Nicki Chen is the award-winning author of Tiger Tail Soup.
Emotionally charged and lyrical, Tiger Tail Soup captures the drama and suffering of wartime China through the eyes of a brave young woman.
Where to buy: Amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, apple ibook
Interesting post Nicki. I think your husband’s culture is somewhat close to mine in that respect. But we’re a bit, should I say, extreme.
Growing up, we called adults aunts and uncles without taking into consideration that many times there were no familial ties. It was a sign of respect. As we grew older, we learnt who the ‘real’ aunts and uncles were. But apart from my parents’ siblings and very close family, we never bothered to understand exactly how we were related.
Sometimes kindness makes friends become like family. I’m glad to read that you experienced such rich kindness.
Now, so many years later, I smile to think how little I knew about the world then.
My mom was the one who was so interested in knowing who everyone was. She was an only child, so she prized her relatives no matter how distantly related they were. My youngest grandchild is also an only child. He has many friends, but he takes great delight in his cousins and second cousins. He’s a very social little boy. I think he misses having siblings. That’s why he prizes his cousins so much.
I really enjoyed this post. My family is more traditional, like yours. We seem to make a point and figuring out who exactly is related to who and how. I love the generosity of this perhaps family and perhaps not family but still important people none the less. I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter, does it?
Maybe what matters is feeling you have a connection with your relatives and friends. Otherwise it’s too easy to let go of them when they move away or when you both feel that you’re too busy.
At first it confused me a lot when my Chinese fiance referred to so many uncles and cousins who were actually just family friends. The other night at the dinner table with his parents it went the opposite way – his dad started talking about blood and I thought “oh no, maybe he is sick!” but he was trying to explain that someone was a blood relative rather than an unrelated relative.
When I was in Taiwan the family I stayed with insisted their little boy call me big sister but he knew this was way too polite and that I was definitely closer to his mum’s age and he called me ayi haha
Like Marta said, I get called uncle everywhere I go in China. It’s kinda funny. In my family, our family friends were just called by their last names – like the Smiths are coming over for the BBQ.
One confusing thing in China is that cousins are often called brother or sister (at least on the father’s side of the family in my wife’s family). I have a hard time keeping straight what family members are with which group of aunts and uncles because they are all called brother or sister in Chinese.
Another big difference from my family is that my in-laws all live close to each other so family gatherings are big events. It’s a lot of fun. Much more fun than what I grew up with. Like many other American families, my family is sort of shotgunned all around the country so our get-togethers are usually small parties and it was usually years between gatherings.
In contrast to your situation, Zhou, when I met my husband, his family was smaller and more scattered than mine. Even though he was born in China, the family left in 1949 when he was ten years old. Much like American families I know, the children eventually went to different universities and ended up in different cities and countries. For the past three years, I’ve been following some blogs of expats in China. It’s been interesting to see the similarities and difference between Overseas Chinese culture and the culture within modern China.
When I was a child growing up in central Africa, we called all friends of our parents ‘Auntie’ or ‘Uncle’ which was an honorific and considered respectful. Now our daughter is living in India and the children of neighbours or our grandsons’ classmates all call her ‘Auntie’ in the same way. This is often confusing for Brits who always assume that if someone is called ‘Auntie’ that they are related.
It sounds like the Brits and some of us Americans are in the minority.
Children and parents often refer to me as ‘Nai Nai’ which means grandma, marginally preferable to being called Lao Tai Tai which means old married lady!
I like being called auntie, but I wouldn’t appreciate having non-relatives call me Nai nai or Lao tai tai. Of the two, though, I like lao tai tai better.
In China it is customary to call uncle/auntie everybody who is about the same age as your parents. Even if you don’t know them! I am often called ayi by random children haha. Aaaah, it was so much better when they called me “older sister” (until I was 25 or so). Now I feel old!
I can’t believe it: you definitely look more like an older sister than an auntie. Of course, I’m not a child.
I remember reading in another post about the ice cream that Aunt Patricia suggested. Initially I thought it was magnolia flavored!
Love the ratan furniture that is so timeless.
I come from a rather large family, on my mom’s side, so I grew up with enough ‘real’ aunts and uncles. For my mother, being blood related mattered, so I never called anyone ‘aunt’ or ‘uncle’ unless they were. I realize, however, that I was close to a few people who were kind and open minded without being ‘real’ family, while some of my ‘real’ aunts or uncles weren’t as accepting or even nice. Living here, without close family, my kids are close to some of our friends who are not ‘family.’ They don’t call them aunt or uncle, but certainly see them as part of the family. I think it’s the heart that guides the relationships more than the blood.
Love all your photos, Nicki.
In the relationships I’ve kept over decades, I see evidence of both the heart and of blood. I have three college friendships that have lasted for five decades, many more that have fallen away. Surprisingly, I’ve kept in touch with more friends from high school than from college–perhaps because I live not far from the town I lived in then. High school reunions also helped. The friends we made when the children were growing up and we lived abroad are scattered around the world and yet I’m still close to some of them.
I agree with your mom that there’s something special about blood relationships. Even if I don’t see my aunts, uncles and cousins for many years, we’re still related. And when we do make an effort to get together, I think we all appreciate the lasting connection we have with each other.
What a deal on all that furniture!
Friends often encouraged their children to refer to us as Aunt and Uncle. Less formal than Mr. and Ms., but less casual than calling us by our first names.
Glad you had so many friendly faces around when you arrived.
I think I grew up on the casual side of the country. We skipped from calling someone “Cathy’s mom” to “Dorothy” without the formal step of calling her “Mrs. Jones”. We missed out on the warmth of calling our mom’s friends “auntie”.
My mom always had us refer to her friends as “Aunties.” We knew they were honorary. I would probably do the same for my close friends, although any kid of mine would have so many blood aunties that more might be overkill!
I like being called auntie, whether it’s by blood or by friendship. I wonder if this is a regional difference within the United States, a generational difference, or just a difference between families.
Extended family can be wonderful. I am “aunt” to the children of dear friends and kids I taught in Sunday school.
I wonder if this difference is also a regional one within the US. Growing up in Washington State, I called all my parents’ friends by their first names. The only people I remember calling Mr. or Mrs. were my teachers. And we never called anyone aunt or uncle if we weren’t related by blood. I wonder if it’s also a generational difference. As you said, Extended family can be wonderful. Maybe the practice has spread over the years.
In the Far East, we generally addressed someone who is a lot older than us as ‘uncles or aunties’ even though we are not related to them. An elderly Muslim friend of my mum called me her grand daughter. She was my ‘grandma’. On the other hand, the Black community do addressed each other as sisters (including me) or brothers. When I lived in the Middle East, some of the men including immigration called me ‘sister’.
So many interesting naming customs!
Among our Asian friends in the Philippines, there was some variation. The children of our close Chinese and Singaporean friends called me auntie, but I can’t remember being called auntie by the children of our other Asian friends even though they used that form of address within their own national group.
Like your American family, we knew exactly how everyone fit in the puzzle. There was one old woman (really old or at least I thought so when I was 8) that I met only 2 or 3 times. She was my mother’s aunt or so we think although I could never understand that part of the family. You were lucky to have so many people help you transition.
We WERE lucky to have so much help in the early days.
My mom was an only child, but my maternal grandparents both came from large complex families. It’s harder to build a mental map that includes second and third cousins, great and great-great aunts and uncles, first and second marriages and all their children and grandchildren. My sister is better at keeping them all straight than I am.
Your “aunties” and “uncles” sounded like every part of the family, both yours and your husband Eugune’s. That is one expensive rattan dining table. I wondered if the Lazy Susan cost just as much. Probably less. Rattan chairs and rattan rocking chairs were very popular in my grandma’s house when I was a kid. They were hard to sit on, yes, but I heard they are good for the back.
It is always interesting as to how these connections are forged. Whenever I visited my dad’s friends’ house, I was always asked to greet them “uncle” or “auntie” eventhough we were not related by blood and this also applied if I was meeting them for the very first time. From what I understand, these terms are a sign of respect.
I’m sorry Mabel that I wasn’t more clear about the cost of the furniture. The $556 was the total cost for all the furniture in the dining room and living room, not only the table, but also the lazy Susan, ten chairs, bar server, sofa, two arm chairs and foot stool and all their cushions, two end tables, coffee table, rocking chair, and two lamps. I thought it was a pretty good deal.
Thinking back on the friends we had there, the only ones our kids called “aunt” and “uncle” were a few close friends who were Asian–not all Asians, though. I think the reason my husband wasn’t clear whether his aunts and uncles were blood relatives was that they all left China before 1949 and didn’t see each other for many years. So when his parents called them auntie and uncle, he was just a kid. He knew they came from his hometown and that they were very close but didn’t bother to ask what the exact connection was.