Nellie and R
Back home, I was an independent woman. I did my own house cleaning, washed the clothes, cared for the kids, weeded the garden, mowed the lawn …
No pizza delivery for us, no take-out, no supermarket deli food. We cooked our own meals. That’s just the way things were for an ordinary American in 1971.
Then my husband got a job in the Philippines. He’d lived there before, so he prepared me for some of the changes we were going to experience. For one thing, he said, almost everyone there has maids. So, yes, I was expecting we’d have one too … eventually.
The wife of my husband’s boss had another idea. In the hospitable way of many Asians, Dr. and Mrs. H met us at the airport and invited us to dinner at their house. After feeding us a home-cooked Chinese dinner, Mrs. H introduced us to her maid and her maid’s highly recommended cousin, Nellie. If we wanted to hire Nellie on a trial basis, she said, she could be at our apartment as early as the following morning.
We agreed. (We could hardly say no to the boss’s wife.) And the following morning the new maid joined us at our temporary residence, an apartment-hotel in Makati. You wouldn’t think anyone would need a maid in the confines of an apartment-hotel, and yet, all the apartments had maids’ rooms off the kitchens.
I liked Nellie. She was cheerful and cute, and though she was only twenty-two years old, she’d been a maid since she was fourteen. She wanted me to know that she was smart, second in her sixth-grade class. But being the third of nine children, she had to work to help support her family.
I’d forgotten all these details about her age and education and the number of children in her family until I started going through the letters I sent home to my family, letters my mom saved and eventually gave to me.
I did remember my first day with Nellie, though, how I tried to get her to sit down and eat lunch with me. I couldn’t imagine us eating in separate rooms. It didn’t seem right.
For Nellie, on the other hand, it didn’t seem right for us to eat together. We could talk after lunch, but she would eat in the kitchen.
It took me a while to get used to our new way of life, one that was more normal for Nellie than for me.
Since our shipment wasn’t due to arrive for months, I had lots of shopping to do. With three young children—a month-old baby and a two- and a three-year-old— shopping in a strange, crowded, hot city without a car would have been a monumental task. Having an always-available babysitter made life a lot easier.
Nellie and the girls
Fortunately, Nellie loved kids, especially the baby. We had one point of contention, though. I wanted to nurse the baby; she enjoyed feeding her. Invariably, I’d return from an afternoon of shopping to find that the baby had already been fed—usually a raw egg stirred into hot rice gruel.
I can hear you young mothers gasping. Your pediatrician never would have allowed such a dish for a one-month-old. But R grew fat and healthy on it … maybe a little too pudgy.
Next week I’ll explain why we decided we needed more than one maid. Really, we did. You’ll see why.
(See also: The Letters My Mom Saved and Live-in Maids.)
I believe this is my first time to comment even though I have been following you. I like this story of the maids since I learned something about the Filipino culture as well as facts left by some of your commenters. Having a maid with three kiddos must have felt like a God send since the children will all so close in age.
Are you in touch with Nellie? You might have said that somewhere and I missed that part. Just wondering what happened to her. I like the name of Nellie. I had a cat named Nellie that lived past 17 years of age<]\. She dies last year. Nellie is a very old name and I remember something about Nellie Blye but have no idea if that was a song or the name of a horse. I just always loved the name, Nellie.
Having a built-in babysitter, was nice. It meant I could take the girls out one or two at a time. It was also nice to be able to decide at the last moment to go to a movie and not have to worry about finding a babysitter.
Before we moved abroad, though, I actually enjoyed taking care of my daughters myself. They were pretty easy to care for, and they liked to play together. Also, my mom lived across the street, so I could leave them with her to go shopping. Living in the big city of Manila, life was more complicated than in my little hometown. Since everyone else had maids, we were expected to attend and host dinner parties and take off at a moment’s notice for a meeting or trip. Plus, my husband, who was so helpful with the children, had to travel for work for weeks at a time.
Yes, I do still keep in touch with Nellie. We’re Facebook friends. She lives in Australia now with her husband.
That is great that you are in touch with Nellie. Australia was a huge change for her; I follow a blogger in Australia. I will need to look up what part he lives in. Just don’t remember but he wrote a book about his life and self published it. I have not bought it yet. He is quite candid and has a dry wit.
https://oosterman.wordpress.com/
Nellie doesn’t use Facebook often, but it’s nice to know where she is.
You had a marvelous life in many wasy but it surely had a few drawbacks if you were expected to entertain and leave at a moments notice. But I’m sure that your children benefitted from growing up in a different culture and they learned another languge in the process.
Living in an Asian country and having an international group of friends became an essential part of our daughters’ lives and their understanding of the world and their places in it. I think they’re all grateful for the experience. I, too, am grateful for the experience, although it did have its pros and cons.
My French-Canadian friend only had one, but she swore by her hired help in Thailand. I think she felt so saner being able to have the afternoon off to work and do her own thing. It is such a different lifestyle living overseas in this way. Folks who have nannies in the States are/were considered extremely well off. This, of course, is not the same was someone who comes in to babysit from time to time.
As usual, loving the photos!
We don’t like to acknowledge class in the US. That’s why it’s a bigger leap to hire a nanny than to pay for day care and after care. But when both parents are working, sometimes the daycare, after-care, and summer programs for several children end up costing more than a nanny. As you say, hiring a babysitter for a night out is something our parents did, so we don’t feel uneasy about it.
Some women have a hard time staying home all day taking care of kids. Before we moved to the Philippines, somehow, I enjoyed staying home with the kids. It was a nice routine: nursing one, feeding the other, playtime, nap time, folding diapers, fixing dinner… I took a couple of classes in the evening or weekends; my mom babysat so I could take a ballet class for adults. (That was before aerobics classes were available.) I assumed that I’d start teaching when they started school. But I can see why your friend would appreciate her hired help in Thailand.
sad state of affairs when the class divide is such that “everyone” has servants . . .
then, again,
moving towards a “service” oriented economy, where the employed must work long, tedious hours for little money, no protections . . .
different application of same???
A few decades ago, Americans could criticize countries in which there was a great disparity between rich and poor. Not anymore. The gap between the rich and poor is many times what it used to be.
We may not have maids, but we hire people at low wages to pick our berries, cut up our chickens, and care for the old and disabled. Raising the minimum wage would be a small step in the right direction.
I remember when my friend who grew up over there told me about her maid. But, of course, it’s quite common, and she takes it for granted as part of the culture. It still took me some thinking to wrap my mind around it, though.
To us, I think, having live-in maids is a deeper kind of strange than something like piercing a baby’s ears or having different holiday customs. We have the feeling that it’s wrong, more than just part of the culture. And, of course, it’s related to the economy and to where the country is in its history. It reminds me of arranged marriages. We Americans are quick to judge them as wrong–a relic from the past, a way that men sujugate women. When we lived abroad, I met some women from India who had arranged marriages, and I saw that they weren’t subjugated at all and had happy marriages.
“arranged marriages” run the gamut!
it depends on the particular culture(s) involved.
from what we hear about some pre-teen being forced to marry someone older than her grand-father
to what i’ve more often heard, where the parents take a suggestion from the kids!
I was thinking of something in the middle, the kind of marriages that are arranged by parents and other relatives.
New to the blog but loving what I’ve read so far. I’ve got an Ayi (a Chinese maid who visits about once a week) and, after three years, I still don’t know how I feel about having a maid. The yankee American side of me has difficulty accepting the idea of having a maid. The lazy American side of me loves not cleaning the floor. The fact that maid service is included in my rent gives me a great excuse to keep using the service. We’ll see how strong my beliefs are when I move to a new place at the end of the year.
I don’t know if I could accept a live in maid because of my political beliefs but the child care is a powerful bonus (and when your new boss ‘recommends’ someone…really, what can you do?)
I think most of us who came to the Philippines from countries where having a live-in maid is unusual felt uneasy about the whole idea of having someone serve us. On the other hand, we’re used to having a waiter serve our food or a barber cut our hair. I know, it’s different. But it’s all about what you’re used to and how the society and economy are organized.
As I mention in next week’s post, when I started driving, we all just sat in our cars and let the gas station attendant pump our gas, clean our windows, and check our oil. We didn’t feel as though we were taking advantage of him. It was his job. It would feel strange to go back to those days now, though.
Brilliant topic, Nicki. Love that photo of Nellie with your three kids. She looks every part of the family. When I lived in Malaysia and Singapore, practically every local family I knew there had a maid and as you described, a lot of them slept in a small room off the kitchen and were distanced from family activities, tagging along at the back. My grandma had many of these maids, and they would come from an agency specialising in bringing maids from countries like Indonesia and the Philippines.
I don’t know about your experience or over there in the Philippines, but some of the maids hired by my grandma and relatives were always suspected to be up to no good. Security cameras were installed all around their house, and one day – or rather some days – one of the cameras caught one of the maids riffing through things in the house and trying on lingerie that did not belong to her 😀 But you have to admit: I think some of the girls choose to become maids to live a better life than their home.
Your comments make me smile. My husband liked to talk about the Chinese servants his family had when he was a child in China. To hear him tell it, they were saints. Their loyalty to the family knew no bounds.
I heard many stories about how people viewed their maids and how they treated them. Filipinos paid lower wages, but at least the maids didn’t need to worry about them moving away. Also I think Filipinos generally hired more maids, which meant more opportunity for them to socialize.
I had one American friend who treated her maid like a sister. The maid had a good time for a while, but when my friend moved away, she had a hard time keeping a job.
Like your grandma, quite a few of my Asians friends and acquaintances were suspicious of their maids. They kept things locked up and even had a fridge with a padlock in their bedroom. They gave the maids a food allowance and were upset if they suspected they took extra sugar or rice.
My husband and I let the maids eat whatever they wanted. It was assumed that they wouldn’t eat the Swiss chocolate he brought back from Hong Kong, but sometimes they did. Oh, well. Just so they didn’t eat too much. Of course, I didn’t leave my purse laying around–most of the time. If we lost anything, it wasn’t something we missed, so it couldn’t have been that important.
All these years later, Nellie’s younger sister is working as a nanny in Australia and seems to be enjoying it. Her brother, who worked for us for a while, shows off his large loving family of children and grandchildren on Facebook.
It is lovely to hear of the stories where maids are welcomed by the families, just like how yours welcomed Nellie. I suppose in some families, they aren’t called by names like maid or servant, but more of house-help so as to make them more welcome and a part of the household structure. Hope Nellie is doing well these days.
Your comment reminded me of my dad’s chauffeur while he lived in Indonesia as an expat. They are sort of like maids, in that if you chance upon a good driver you trust them to take you places and take care of you.
Looking forward to reading more about next week on having two maids. It sounds like they are very helpful and trusting the ones you got 🙂
I know it was a good idea to keep reading the letters! (And sharing with us!).
The first time I visited the Philippines I stayed in Manila for 2 weeks in my friend’s parents’ house. They had 2 live-in maids! There was only one baby and 4 adults in the house, but it seems they rented rooms to students during the school term.
Your comments remind me of a large extended family we saw in a restaurant in Manila that had one maid for each of their many children. The maids all wore crisp white uniforms with matching trim, and the family all spoke Spanish.
The Philippines was a Spanish colony for 333 years, ending in 1898. But these days, even though most Filipinos learn a little Spanish in school, you seldom hear them speaking more than a few words of it. So this family was unusual. Most of the Spanish colonialists intermarried with Filipinos or Chinese, and a few returned to Spain. But, as I understand it, there was a very small remnant of upper class Spaniards who stuck together and continued to speak Spanish. The family we saw in the restaurant spoke only Spanish, and from their looks and their manner, we guessed that they were descendants of colonial rulers.
Uhm, I would say they used Spanish as a way to differentiate themselves from the rest (i.e. they were snobs, haha). When I was in the Philippines, some older people remembered Spanish and could still speak it, but I didn’t meet anyone younger than 50 who could speak it.
Having a maid / babysitter with 3 young kids = YAY!
A mother only has two hands. With a maid, I could take two kids with me at a time. Very nice!! Although I do have friends in the US who had more than three children and handled it just fine. I don’t know how the mother did it.
I want a maid. Or two. Only feeding the newborn eggs? I would have flipped out.
I did have baby books that I followed for our first two daughters. I don’t think doctors were as dogmatic about food for babies in those days. When we arrived in the Philippines, I think my attitude was to go along with the way life was there. So much was new, and I just went with it.
It seems that the experts now disagree on when to give eggs. Of course, you have to be alert to any allergic reactions. An Australian study has shown that waiting until the baby is a year old results in more allergies. This fits with the Hygiene Hypothesis, which recommends letting your kids play in the dirt because “the young immune system is strengthened by exposure to everyday germs.” Keeping your kids too clean, according to a mounting body of research, results in “a greater chance of having allergies, asthma, and other autoimmune diseases during adulthood.” If correct, we stumbled into something by accident.
Dirt! Animals! And let them lick the playground equipment, right? I have two nephews allergic to eggs. I wonder if it would be different if they’d tried them earlier?
I don’t know, but the theory does seem to make sense. Everyone is different, though. Our bodies are so complex. There’s always more to learn. My older grandson hasn’t chosen a major yet, but one of his interests is brain research–a field full of mysteries yet to be discovered.
Aw, your little girls were so adorable. I get why Nellie loved the baby. Cultural differences are striking when we move abroad. You were certainly surprised to be offered a maid over dinner. I was surprised when someone I had just met asked me if I wanted her to take me church-shopping. I had no idea that she meant to help me find a church I would like. A friend of mine is from Iran and was surprised that American families didn’t have maids like her family had in Iran.
I love your new series of posts about the Philippines. The fact that you lived there before the world got more similar everywhere is really fascinating.
I’ve never had anyone offer to take me church shopping, but I know people do shop around to find a church and pastor they like. Our first week in the Philippines, Eugene’s “aunt” took me to the supermarket–a nice gesture, but I’m sure I could have found my way up and down the aisles. She wanted to make sure I tried the local Magnolia ice cream. It’s a delicious, rich ice cream, but she insisted I try the flavor of the month, sweet corn. My favorite was mango.
I haven’t been back to the Philippines for many years. I don’t know if I would find life there now more like it is here. But from the photos I’ve seen, it seems to have grown and changed a lot.
Oh I would love to sample the ice cream flavors! Mango is one of my favorite fruit, so I’m pretty sure I’d love the mango ice cream too. But magnolia tastes very exotic to me. ?
Sorry I didn’t make that clear, Evellyne. Magnolia is the brand of ice cream.
Oh that’s funny! Since I love this flower I imagine the ice cream! Too funny. Thanks for clarifying, Nicki. ?
It’s interesting to hear of different customs.
What a goldmine these letters are for you!
Hmmm, I would never have dreamed of feeding a raw egg to a baby, but like you said it seems she did well with it.
I just looked up recommendations for feeding eggs to babies. They seem to change every few years, and there’s lots of different advice. I guess the thing to watch out for is an allergic reaction. On the other hand, one Australian study found that if you wait until twelve months to introduce eggs, your baby is up to five times more likely to develop an allergy.
I probably should have mentioned that Nellie stirred the raw egg in the hot rice congee until it was fully cooked.
Quite an adaptation. I remember the struggle when a friend suggested we got a cleaner because we were both working 🙂
My dad was a real holdout. He was a carpenter, and for many years he did everything himself–carpentry, concrete work, roofing, electrical, plumbing, stucco and drywall. He’d been a carpenter for twenty-five years before he hired a specialist to install and tape the drywall. It’s hard for some of us to ask for help. It makes us feel as though we’re incapable or lazy.
reminds me – many years ago i met some people from India
the lady was in her 20’s
upon her preparing to go back home i asked her opinions of the u.s.
she couldn’t think of the proper word, so used – “humorous” – to describe the situation:
in the u.s. everyone has – things – to do everything, in India, everyone has – people – to do things
it was the first time in her life she ever realized – in India, the people that do everything for everyone – don’t – have people to do – anything – for them . . .
It’s so true that all the appliances we have make it possible for one person to accomplish what in a developing country can only be accomplished with human labor.
Things must have changed a lot by now in India. With a middle class estimated to be at 267 million in 2016, they must have lots of appliances. They still have many poor people, though, so I suspect many middle class Indians today have both appliances and servants.
The poor in the United States tend to be distant from the everyday lives of middle-class Americans. Having a maid in the Philippines, put us more in touch with their lives. If the maid’s mother was sick or her brother’s house burned down, it wasn’t a question of how much money we would give to charity this month. We knew that we were the only hope our maid and her relatives had to pay the hospital bills or buy lumber.
I wish my husband’s boss had the same sentiments. Could sure use a Nellie now. Lovely article.
Thanks, Mindy. Sometimes we can handle everything ourselves. At other times we need someone like Nellie to help us out. Best wishes for your good help.
Great photos, Nicki! Many who live in our neighborhood have a cleaning crew that comes to their home. I’ve always felt, as long as I’m able bodied, I’ll do it myself. Plus, if you turn on some music, it’s a great time to brainstorm.
It’s funny that you mention the pleasure of cleaning to music. I missed that. We all need some time to do mindless tasks. It’s not only restful, it gives your brain time to be creative.
I’m glad you’re still reading your letters. It’s great learning about your life.
I totally could use someone to clean up after me!
I could use someone now too. With or without a maid, though, I think we all have our own particular degree of messiness. Even with a maid, my desk and closets were messy–not a total disaster, but messy. The maid would stack things up so she could dust, and I would wonder where I’d put something. By the time she dusted again, the mess would have reappeared.
Sounds wonderful to me! I’d love a live-in person!
All in all, I liked it a lot. It was a big adjustment though. I remember one Canadian woman complaining about the lack of privacy. It bothered her so much that she stayed in her bedroom much of the time when she was home. She said it was the only part of the house that she felt belonged to her.