Reverse Culture Shock & PTSD

by | May 22, 2016 | Culture, home, Philippines | 37 comments

 Banawe Rice Terraces 001When we lived overseas, we didn’t talk much about culture shock. At first, we were newcomers busy adjusting to the new country. After a year or two we were old hands. When someone did bring up culture shock, almost invariably, another person who’d been through it all before would put on a just-you-wait expression and declare that reverse culture shock was much worse.

What? Going home? I thought. How hard could that be?

After more than twenty years of living abroad (with a few home leaves and extended stays along the way), my husband and I returned home and did our best to reintegrate into American society.

That was quite a few years ago. I don’t think I ever thought about my own reverse culture shock, not until this morning. I was dozing, listening to an NPR program on my clock radio, considering whether to get up. Author Sebastian Junger was being interviewed about his book, Tribe, on Homecoming and Belonging.

He was saying that although only 10% of the US military engaged in combat, 50% have applied for some sort of disability based on PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). His theory is that the 40% who haven’t been in combat are having trouble reintegrating into modern society.

I didn’t make the connection to reverse culture shock until he mentioned Peace Corps volunteers. He said they have an extremely high rate of depression after returning from two years in the Peace Corps.

I’ve never thought of myself as having reverse culture shock, but I admit, the transition back to living in the United States did have its difficulties.

You hear returning soldiers talk about the camaraderie they miss. After living in such close quarters with their buddies, trusting and depending on them, they come home, and everyone is busy with their own affairs, and the returning soldier is left to his own devices.

first Christmas in a new country

first Christmas in a new country

Expatriate life has a lot in common with the military. Like soldiers, you leave your family, friends, and country behind. When you arrive in the new country, all the other expats are in the same situation. You’re all strangers in a foreign land, and you’re all looking for new friends. When holidays come around, Grandma’s house is too far away, so you get together with your new expat friends.

weekend trip with friends

weekend trip with friends

You send your kids to the same international school; you join the same clubs; you take weekend trips together; you run into each other in the airport on your way to home leave. And even though your expat friends come from all over the world, the life you’re living brings you together.

Then one day you return home, and either your expat friends stay abroad or they return to their own countries on other continents. At “home” you don’t have a group of friends. Everyone is busy with their own lives. So you have to start all over at an age when everyone around you has established all the details of their lives a long time ago.

Whether you’re retired military or returned expat, you have trouble talking to people. Everything that has been part of your experience and that’s important to you feels like something you shouldn’t talk about. No one is interested.

Conversation is an exchange, a sort of agreed upon fruit salad. If you throw a fish into the bowl, you spoil the salad. If the other person has no point of contact with what you’re talking about and vice versa, the conversation doesn’t work.

When we came home after twenty-two years of living abroad, I soon learned not to mention those years. To me, they seemed like the center of my life, but no one wanted to hear about them. So I got on with living where I was.

My years as an expat haven’t been erased, but keeping them wrapped up and hidden away has felt like a loss. Maybe that’s what reverse culture shock was for me.

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37 Comments

  1. Giulia G.

    I have just returned to northern Italy after 24 years abroad (Sweden, Germany, and the US). The people I interact with love exchanging life stories and experiences: I listen with genuine interest to theirs, and they to mine. But, then again, I have a academic job and live in a well-connected small city with a big university. You must have very boring suburban middle-class dullards as acquaintances. My husband’s relatives and acquaintances from Arkansas are like that, and he has given up on talking to them about his life when he visits. Indeed, he is losing interest in visiting altogether, owing to their patent and appallingly rude lack of interest. All they care about is their pedestrian small world. I genuinely can’t stand them.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Hi Giulia. I’m glad you enjoy sharing stories and experiences from your expat years with your friends and colleagues. I don’t want to give the wrong impression about my friends and acquaintances. They’re not “very boring suburban middle-class dullards.” I live in the Seattle area where most of the people I meet have traveled to various countries and not an inconsiderable number have also lived abroad. The stories we exchange about those travels are fun and interesting, but they’re from a time that is now past. Although they may be entertaining, we’re concerned with other issues now. I wrote this article nine years ago. At that time I found that one of the things I tried not to mention was our maids. Although all the expats in the Philippines had maids, the average American in America does not. The world I live in now is different from my life abroad, but it’s far from a “pedestrian small world.” It’s lively and smart, and I happily adjusted to it long ago.

      Reply
  2. Cat (talkingofchinese)

    I really enjoyed reading this post Nicki (and all the comments!). I have only lived abroad for a short time before but hope to do it for longer in the near future. Honestly, most of my friends live all over the place – whether it’s other suburbs, cities or countries – anyway and I see them maybe monthly at best so I (maybe naively?) feel that moving abroad wouldn’t make a huge difference to how often I see them. I agree that a lot of people only want to talk about things that they can directly relate to but I personally I like to talk to people who have had very different experiences to my own – whether it’s growing up in a different country, working in a very different job or some other experience. I agree that maybe sometimes it works better in a written story than a conversation (almost all the books I read I pick based on them being about very different experiences than I have had in my own life – so I can try and live multiple lives in my one life!)

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      It seems as though everything I say or write is only one side of the truth, and I can say the opposite if I think a little longer. When I was in college, I often sought out people whose lives and experiences were different from my own. I loved learning more about the differences between us. And then later, when we moved to the Philippines, one of the best things about it was being part of an international community. We tended to talk about our lives in the moment, but when something that seemed unusual came up, e.g. someone mentioned that they had an arranged marriage, we were used to our differences, and no one looked askance at her.

      I agree that books can give us a chance to live multiple lives in one life. So true.

      Reply
  3. livelytwist

    I enjoyed reading this post and can relate to your experiences, having lived abroad for many years and recently returned to my native country. The people I left behind have ‘moved on’. I have friends who returned a few years before I did and I can share my experiences- specifically my frustrations with adjusting to a new life with them.

    I find relevant and ‘non-threatening’ ways to share my experiences of living abroad with anyone and my comments are usually well-received.

    There are several repat communities here. They meet regularly to hang out and network. I haven’t joined any- didn’t feel I needed to; did not want to join a club of ‘us’ and ‘the locals’. But your post makes me see why such communities exist and flourish. There’s a disconnect, and only people who’ve been where you’ve been (expats, etc), really understand. Do you have such communities in your area?

    Perhaps writing about your experiences is the antidote to your version reverse culture shock.

    I read this post twice. That’s how much I enjoyed it. And I especially like the way you wrote it.

    Reply
  4. Carol Ferenc

    How poignant this is, Nicki. I was a military wife for a few years and I know it’s a life that many people can’t relate to. I’d love to hear those stories of yours!

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Thank you, Carol. I’ll try to find ways to shape some of those experiences into something you’ll enjoy, either on my blog or in the novel I’m writing.

      Reply
  5. Lani

    Making the connection with military families was a thoughtful one. As a military brat, I was too young to remember our moves around the mainland. I certainly don’t remember living in Oklahoma or Kansas, but there is proof in pictures I’ve seen 😉

    Part of it I suppose has to do with the kind of immersion you have. I know military families who lived on base and didn’t get to know the country they were living in, enjoying the PX and Commissary and Church’s Fried Chicken like they would back in the US. Of course, the same can be said of expats.

    So, I guess it’s the community, the bond you form with other military families or expats that’s the real kicker. If you want, you can be part of an instant community and hey – that’s nice. Very unlike being at home where forming friendships outside of work or school can be challenging.

    I don’t know if I’ll be back long enough to experience reverse culture shock. It’s enough just going for a short visit and seeing all the pharm commericals on TV! 😛 Good post!

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Oh, the pharm commercials! They’re the worst, aren’t they?

      Will you ever return home long enough to experience reverse culture shock? We’ll see. You’ve been an expat for what? Seven years? Long enough, I guess, to be considered a wanderer/explorer/student of life and the world. Unlike those military families who stay on the base, you definitely make an effort to know the country you live in. I hope you’ll continue to enjoy your life in Cambodia and share it with us on your blog.

      Reply
      • Lani

        Thank you Nicki – what a nice thing to say.

        Reply
  6. clareodea

    Very interesting topic Nicki. I probably would have reverse culture shock if I ever returned to Ireland as I have got used to everything being so perfectly organised here in Switzerland. Unfortunately I think the reality of people not being interested in your experiences is a common feature of casual relationships. You can see it when someone returns to work after a holiday. No one actually wants to know what they have seen and done. They just want to hear that it was a good holiday. This is obviously magnified when you return from years abroad.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      An excellent analogy. The only time it’s fun to hear about someone’s holiday trip is when you’ve been to the same place recently. At least then you can compare your favorite sights.

      You say you would have a hard time leaving behind Switzerland’s organized society. That’s another point. When you live for a long time somewhere, the place changes you.

      Reply
  7. Veda (Melton) Baldwin

    Hard to believe that people didn’t want to hear about your adventures abroad–I love to hear about lives that are so different from my own! It’s great that you are now writing about your many experiences! Good luck on your new novel.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      I think it’s a universal experience of people returning home after living abroad. Conversations work best when there’s an even exchange and you can both talk about the same subject. Writing about my time abroad probably works better than talking about it. Anyway, I’m enjoying looking at my old journals as I work on my new novel.

      Reply
  8. Mindy

    Wow Nicki, that’s your next book. What a loss to keep that all to yourself for so long. Mindy.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      You’re right, Mindy. The novel I’m working on starts in the Philippines.

      Reply
  9. CrazyChineseFamily

    Though I lived only eight years abroad and even in a country not too far away from Germany it was still so strange to return. I think now after 11/2 years I get more or less the hang of it again to live here. All I learned over the years abroad are pretty meaningless as life is just different and furthermore all the friends I had in Finland I met every single day at sports and university while here I am working together with my wife on our own business and well, don’t really have much social life going on anymore.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      We always want to see what’s over the next hill, and in this century and the last, it has been easy to move around. It’s a broadening experience to be able to live in more than one country. It forces us to grow and learn new things. But it also forces us to leave behind things and people we value and love.

      This makes me think of my husband’s family. When they left China in 1949, it was because they lost the Chinese Civil War. They though they would never be able to go back. Thirty-four years later, my husband finally returned for a seven-day visit.

      Reply
      • CrazyChineseFamily

        Everything is changing all the time. We do hope China will also change their laws regarding nationality and the “hukou” family register that our son can also receive the Chinese nationality. A first step was taken few years ago which allows children born with at least one Chinese parent to receive a travel document for two years and thus not needing a visa

        Reply
  10. Sue Kennedy

    My thoughts exactly, Nikki. Having been raised on Okinawa and then years with Jack in India, Malaysia and the Philippines, I had a difficult time returning to the US. There was no early market to buy fresh shrimp still jumping, no one understood about what I had experienced. Jack had work and the kids had school. So I searched for Asian looking people since that was what I was used to living in Asia for 30 years. I eventually realized that I never could enter into conversations with provincial topics, so I just smiled. And, when I found someone who had had experiences like mine, it was a relief and I didn’t feel like the odd man out. You just make the best of it!!!

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      That’s what we’ve done, Sue, made the best of it. It does make for an interesting life.

      I may not be an early riser, but I did love going to the early market. Besides the fresh jumping shrimp, I liked watching the moving spots on the live squid. The best fish I ever ate was at the beach. Someone came by with a live lapu-lapu, and Eugene cooked it just right. While I’m thinking about food, desserts come to mind–sans rival, churros con chocolate, and all the other pastries at Dulcinea. Yum!

      Reply
  11. Traveller at heart

    This is a poignant topic.

    The Peace Corps and American soldiers tend to have more mental health issues on their return from the war zone than their British counterparts because the former have a longer posting abroad.

    There is a lot of bullying or victimisation in the British Army. This includes civilian doctors who have decided to become Army Doctors.

    People chose to live abroad for different reasons. I only know the ones who are mainly single but some had families including young children at home. Being an expat is not for everyone. It brings out the best and the worst in us esp if people are living on top of each other and in each other pockets or being in the company of expat colleagues that one can count on one hand because there are no foreigners around, there are no facilities where we are based and we have limited knowledge of the local language.

    I don’t know if there is such thing as the higher power or someone watching over me. Whatever it is, I count my blessings and appreciate the kindness, support, understanding and even generosity from complete strangers. Some of them are from notable, very educated and professional families. Their way of introduction was ‘you don’t know who I am but I know who you are.’ I kid you not.

    Living abroad has been challenging on all levels but it has opened my heart and mind to many things.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Probably another reason that returning home is hard for American soldiers and Peace Corps volunteers is the high mobility of the population. They come home, and many of the people they used to know have moved to another state.

      I agree that people choose to live abroad for different reasons. Furthermore, each condition is different. Living conditions can vary from comfortable to primitive. You pointed out two major points of difference: language and the presence or absence of other expats. In Manila and then Vanuatu where I lived, there was a large expatriate community and most of the local people spoke at least some English. The situation you describe also has its benefits, especially to someone like you who has an open mind and a good attitude.

      Reply
  12. autumnashbough

    It’s difficult to move to any new community. One of my best friends moved to our high school as a junior, after years on military bases. She found our clique-filled high school unfriendly compared to the military kids, who all empathize with being the new kid and reach out.

    It must be so much harder as an adult, without the enforced proximity of your peers in a school setting, where you can at least bond over awful teachers.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      I think girl cliques are worse than boy cliques. (Do boys even have cliques?) Daughter #1 learned that when she was six year old. The school had belatedly moved her up from first to second grade. School had been going on for a month or so, and all the girls in that second grade class already had their friends and cliques. So all that year Daughter #1 was best friends with a boy. When she moved back to the States, she used the same technique. For a while she had two best (boy) friends, but at that age, you have to choose. And she did.

      Reply
  13. Jill Weatherholt

    Such an interesting topic, Nicki. I’m sure it was difficult, especially with children. The holidays would be tough for me. Thanks for sharing your experience and your lovely photographs.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      They had a lot to adjust to, but they were good troopers. I didn’t hear most of their complaints until years later.

      Thanks, Jill, for commenting on my photos. They’re looking old and yellow, but it’s fun to look at them anyway.

      Reply
  14. Maureen

    This was very interesting Nicki. Wish I’d known you when you first moved back – I LOVE hearing about your life abroad. When my son came back from Peace Corp he found grocery stores overwhelming and avoided them at first. He also noticed for the first time how “fat” Americans were. He had lots of friends back here so didn’t suffer much depression at that time. .

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      My husband also was surprised that Americans were fatter than he’d remembered. Americans in the Philippines probably ate a healthier diet than Americans back home. We ate lots of seafood and fruit there.

      When my daughter came back from a couple years in the Russian Far East, she complained about the necessity to drive everywhere here. In Russia, she walked and rode the bus.

      Reply
  15. Mabel Kwong

    Such a great topic of discussion, Nicki. I don’t think any of us can really prepare for reverse culture shock. We might keep in touch with those in our home country via phone or text or these days social media, but the reality is that we are not there with them to completely get a grip of how things are going on there. To very bluntly put it, those back home have moved on and are able to live life without another’s presence.

    When I moved back to Australia after ten years going to school in Malaysia and Singapore, I certainly felt reverse culture shock. I knew no one, had no friends and had to learn how to get around my neighbourhood once again. I think it takes time to get over reverse culture shock – there is so much to learn and know how things are run. It took me a few years before I felt settled in Australia again.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Thanks, Mabel, for sharing your experience of reverse culture shock. Whether we recognize reverse culture shock or not, I suspect most of us experience it to some extent when returning home. The hard part about it is that it can be unexpected. And if our experience somewhere else is a powerful one, it can be hard to leave that experience behind.

      Reply
  16. nrhatch

    A friend of mine was a Peace Corps volunteer at age 40. She experienced Reverse Culture Shock when she came back . . .

    * the excesses, the indulgences, the entitlements of life in the US made her “sick to her stomach” when she compared life here to life in Moldavia.

    * so many people here wanted to talk about the “stuff” they’d bought on their last excursion to the mall . . . their focus seemed “trivial” to Beth.

    And, like you, there was no way to help them “relate” to the life she’d been living for the past 2 years . . . so she stopped trying.

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      I spent a couple of months in a small town in Mexico the summer after I graduated from college doing community development. Returning home, suddenly the “poor” parts of town looked luxurious by comparison and I wondered why anyone would complain about anything.

      One of the things that annoyed me after coming back from the Philippines was people who said they couldn’t bear to visit poor countries or poor parts of town. It was too painful. My thought was, if you stay away, it’s still there.

      Reply
  17. Kate Crimmins

    I never thought about it that way. You did have a different experience that was alien to most Americans. Did your daughters feel it or did they assimilate easier?

    Reply
    • Nicki Chen

      Having home leave every few years helped our daughters gain some familiarity with the US, but there was a lot to get used to. Since we’d never been home during the winter, daughter #2 found the bare trees unnerving. They reminded her of a scene from a horror movie She also complained about the dry air. You may think of rain when you think of Seattle, but compared to the Philippines, the air is really dry.

      In school, all three were ahead in math but behind in sports. Daughter #1 was a good soccer player, but she was a senior then, and the coach wouldn’t take anyone new who was a senior. The same daughter found pep assemblies bizarre and found ways to skip out on them. She played clarinet and oboe, but the band was a disappointment. They were more interested in winning marching contests than in playing music.

      Daughter #3 wasn’t used to our “cold” weather. It took her a while to learn how to dress appropriately.

      Soon they all went away to college and had to adjust all over again. Although I suspect they had an easier time than kids who’d never been away from home.

      Reply
      • Kate Crimmins

        Still sounds like a great experience for them.

        Reply
        • Nicki Chen

          I think it definitely was a great experience for them, and I’m sure they would agree.

          Reply

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